Two‘cat’astrophes

 “Yuck!! What’s that stench?” None of the pandus bothered to answer me, as they were too busy with Lays and Coke on Pandu’s bed. I threw my bag on my bed. Mullu came out of bathroom. “There is something stinking here, idiots” I was irritated. Mullu made her baby face “I just took bath, I’m not the culprit”. I stared at her. She hid behind Budhu. “Babba, we also know it but no idea where it is from,” said Budhu “Spare her now”, she saved Mullu from me.  
“You guys are sick! Why don’t you just check it out?” I shouted.  “You better go and take bath” Pandu said without taking her gaze from the book she was reading. I knew everybody was giggling. That made me more furious “ What the hell did you say, you pig?” I struck back. She said “Oh sorry, I did not complete my sentence. I meant, you go and take bath that can soothe your mood. I did not say that you stink, what I was trying to say is by the time you take bath you get used to the foul smell and you know what, smell is something…”
“ENOUGH…” I screamed before she could complete.
*****************
I called up my parents and Teddy and did the routine talk. I went and took bath. I came out; my crazy roommates were waiting for me to go to aunt’s place. I did not find anyone had any problem with the foul smell other than me.  I again pleaded, “Hey guys, pls yaar, I can’t stand the smell”. Budhu said, “We go and have dinner now. We will check it out once we are back. Is that ok dear?”  I said “Ok”
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That was sensible when Babes said that the smell was from the centre room. I was happy that whatever the hell it would be, not in my room. We expected a dead rat or spoilt eatable but nothing we could find in our search. “Oh man, forget it I’m sleepy, I don’t want to do anything other than sleep” Babes left. Then left Disney. Mullu and Pandu were also too tired. I was also fed up with the ‘search idea’. Budhu asked “Nothing is there Elephanto, now will you pls go and sleep” she was scratching her head out of frustration. I did not say anything.  
Budhu was sleeping next to me. She took a long breath “ I want to move out of this place yaar. Look all these, where are we stayi….” She couldn’t complete, as we had to run to Pandu’s room hearing her screaming.  

We rushed to Pandu-Mullu’s room. Mullu was holding their bed sheet in the air and we saw some brown colour stain on it. “What’s that??” Disney asked. Only Pandu had examined it and that was why she was puking out aunt’s nutritious food in washbasin. Mullu was shocked to see that half dried shit on their bed sheet. “Who the heck did not find a toilet here?” she said in a furious voice. I looked at Budhu, Budhu looked at Babes and Babes looked at Disney. Disney yelped, “Why everybody is looking at me as if I did it?” We all burst into laughter except Mullu and Pandu. “ Pandu, you shouldn’t have done it on your own bed sheet” I said. She retaliated “Yeah next time I will ask that cat to do it on your bed sheet, idiot!”. “Cat?” Budhu frowned. “Yeah guys, Gauri told me that she saw dadi chasing a light brown cat this morning” Pandu was almost crying. “Why is it always me?” she again ran to wash basin, as the stench oozed was terrible. Mullu threw the bed sheet and took a new one from the cupboard. Her face was red with anger. She looked at me; I bit my lips and controlled my smile between them.  
Budhu asked “Hey Pandu, you just said it’s always you? so what happened before?” Pandu made a face “I didn’t say anything. Go and sleep now. The show is over”. “But there is something in that arrogance. What happened re Pandu?”, Babes added. Pandu was hesitant but could not find a getaway. She told us the tragic story, “When I was in our home town I used to go to my cousin’s place. She had loads of cats and kittens there. One stupid cat jumped and sat on my lap, as if my lap was its personal property. I thought that was ok and didn’t shoo it away. I started cuddling it and enjoyed it fawning over me. Suddenly man, that dirty creature fart right on my face and jumped off” We got into another round of amusement. “I HATE CATS” she cried out.

 

The pillow fight

Pandu is one great example of how one can be stupid and smart at the same time. She thinks more than what she is required to about anything and everything in the world. The worse part is that she expects her listener too have the same level of think-o-meter. It’s because of this mentality, she makes poppet of herself many a time.
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My night was slumberless (why so rhetorical? Perhaps, the influence of a Bacon essay I just read) okay.. I was not sleepy. Goodnight hung up phone. Unlike me it is easy for him to sleep whenever he wants. But that night he slept quite early. I was snuggling on my bed expecting the blessings of sleep god or goddess (whatever!). 

“Huh? What’s that?” I gulped in fear and  noticed a bundle moving on Budhu’s bed in the shimmering yellow night-light. I lay on my side and watched carefully what’s happening. The bundle was moving again! No..Not that a galavanised jerk but a slow-paced rhythmic movement. “Oh God… that’s Pandu” I was relieved when I saw her toe peeped out of the blanket. “When she got into that bed? and what is she doing inside that dirty blanket?”  I watched her  bollywood drama for another five minutes...which was a good time pass for me.


She slowly but dramatically pulled off that blanket from her face. Her eyes were closed on a smiling face; she took out her right arm and drew a curve in the air. She covered her face partially with her left palm. She was whispering something... no singing something..… oh god she was blushing.. her face pink..she tilted her face and turned her head towards me as if her boyfriend called out her name.. oh yeah...she saw me then....
I couldn’t control my amusement!! I burst into laughter… Okay… this time she realized that I was watching her ‘performance'. She was stupefied. 
 “What the hell are you doing Ma’am?” I asked.
“You pig, you haven’t slept yet?" she retorted. 
 "I was enacting a song with my boyfriend. We were doing Salsa on “Tera hone lagaa hun”
I could not control my laughter. She was looking pale when I woke up Budhu. I could not sniff the potential threat of a pillow fight. She had already thrown one on my back before I could dodge off. Budhu also started laughing when I imitated her “Salsa”

“I thought you would be busy with Goodnight under the blanket”,  she snapped but that was a blow on my head. A chuckleheaded Budhu asked “What do you mean by that, Pandu?”, as I was too paralyzed to ask her anything. I stooped to find a much heavier pillow but she ran away screaming "On phone, I meant, idiot girls!!"

First nightout in Pune

It’s been three and half years I'am in this beautiful city. I have heard a lot about nightout in Pune from many of my friends..something good and something fishy. I was more interested in the fishy part. But never had the balls sorry guts (that’s better literary and factually) to wander around at night. But yeah I made an attempt when I was in college.. my first night out.

My friend invited for a night out and a bike ride all over the city and a movie as bonus. My heart pumped with excitement. I got ready in a minute and was waiting for his phone call.
Oh god, it started as usual! Before taking any decision, my internal souls fight. I don’t know who is right and wrong. But I listen the winner always. My internal personalities were literary wrangling just to rack my brain. Ok, for your convenience we can call them Ms. Good and Ms. Evil. The girls were on full swing! Listen,
Ms. Good: Hey Elephanto, did you ask him where is he taking you?
Ms. Evil: Shit! You don’t have anything to do with it. He is trustworthy.
Ms. Good: oh yeah, he is your boyfriend, so you can trust him blindly
Ms. Evil: No he is not! and you know it. Why are you smothering me?
Ms. Good: Have you asked your dad?
Ms. Evil:   Grow up man!
Ms. Good:  Do you think they will allow you if they come to know?
Ms. Evil:     I’m not doing anything wrong.
Ms. Good: Then why didn’t you ask? This is not good for you.
Ms. Evil:    Iam matured enough to decide what is right and wrong
Ms. Good:  Only bad girls roam around at night. This will create a bad impression. Above all it’s not safe.
Ms. Evil:    Get lost man! I am a bad girl. Is that enough?
Ms. Good:   No… You can’t be a bad girl. You are brought up in a very good family, which trusts you a lot.
Ms. Evil:   F*** o**!…Stop emotional blackmailing. I hate it.
Ms. Good: You won’t enjoy a bit Elephanto. Take my word.
Oh!  Ms.Good kept quiet. So I can go now. I got down. I met him and said hi. I shook hand with him. We reached big bazaar at 8 o’clock. I asked him “when will you drop me back?”  He smiled and said, “Are you scared? I told you this is a night out.” Ms. Evil in my heart was uttering all the bad words that I know in English, Malayalam and Hindi to Ms. Good, as it struck back again with a last warning.
Ms. Good: “What you are doing is wrong. You are not safe. You are not comfortable. You lied to your friends. Go back home!”
Ms. Evil did not get time to retaliate as my friend awakened me from my internal trance.
“You look pale, are you ok?” he asked with popcorn in his hands. “Drop me home right now” that was an order more than a request from me. He looked confused, “Is everything ok?”  “ Not ok. I’m not comfortable. I want to go back” I said. ( I was under the control of Ms. Good) He said, “I never forced you or did anything that can get you upset”. I replied, “That’s why I feel sorry for ruining your night. And please for heaven’s sake don’t call me for a night out ever again”
Without any delay he dropped me back home. He said “sorry, I did not mean it, if you felt anything unusual about my behaviour”. I replied “Never mind. I’m crazy as I have to tame two internal animals at the same time”.  He blinked at me openmouthed. I did not wait for an explanation. “Good night” I could hear him say when I was on stairs.

**************
Ms. Evil: “You screwed up…. you fool . You will never get a chance again. He was a very good friend. You ruined the relationship.. You mad, lousy stupid!!

Ms. Good with a smile: I know Elephanto you are not that bad. You will get the chance if it is meant to you. If the friendship screwed up because of this reason, it is not worth having.
I shouted at both of them…. “Go and sleep now crazy gals”.. I turned the light off and lay down on bed thinking of a nightout which my dad and mom had 24 years ago, when they were asked to move out of the house at midnight with my baby brother.

Mission cleaning Vs Asthma

All pandus were home…a long weekend in hands.. But nobody was in a mood to go out. We six were lazing over Babe’s bed entangled. Sleeping, talking, watching Friends, eating etc are going on turn by turn.

Budhuuuuuuuuuuuuuu………. Suddenly we could feel the vibes of Dadi coming upstairs..

“Stupid girls, once in a blue moon you all will be home. Why don’t you clean your rooms? Look at that basket full of dirty clothes.. If you don’t want, throw them. See what’s this, if you have finished with your hogging, why don’t you throw the wrappers out?  What you have done to my home? I have given you so many cupboards, still I can see your clothes scattered around. You made this a cattle farm (else it is a heaven! Bullshit), what the hell it is!. After her higgledy piggeldy talk she asked Pandu “I want “netens” right now. You understand????”  

Pandu gave her a blank look. She made an innocent face and looked at me as if she didn’t understand anything (Pig, though she does not speak Malayalam, she can very well understand it). Budhu drew a bow with her eyebrows, that’s usual when she is angry. Disney was sound asleep, didn’t hear anything and wouldn’t hear anything even if you burst a nuclear bomb right under her ears. Babes as usual with no expression was sitting like a Sadhu descended from holy Himalayas. Poor Mullu got scared; she was sitting like a rabbit after a wildfire and said, “C’mon guys, let’s clean the mess up. She is right. It’s all dirty here”. To our surprise Pandu jumped and declared her full support. “Look around, how many clothes are lying here and there. Let’s clean everything” Budhu got a shock of her life “See who’s talking. Half of them are yours only!”

I put the last piece of Lays in my mouth and showed my support “How can I help you guys?” Budhu frowned and screamed at me “First you put that empty Lays packet in the trash which you just threw under the cot”. I tried a weird smile and thought how could she notice that. Babes also got up “I’m ready”. We waited for Budhu’s approval (Only she knows what to keep where and how). Finally, she said “OK” giving a tight spank to Disney

*************************

Mission Cleaning 

The pandu battalion started the Mission Cleaning. Dadi castle seemed 1000yrs old with accumulated dust and thick cobwebs. In the drawers we even found profiles and photographs of girls who stayed there long ago. The mission resembled like ‘The Mummy’ movie. We excavated a lot many mummy remains, hieroglyphic manuscripts of CAT, CAD, JAVA, MAT and GRE and much more. I was given the role of Rick O'Connell and supposed to kill termites, cockroaches and even the bigger ruffians like rats (My childhood adventures helped me in this).

 In the mayhem I forgot about the devil inside me, my sibling ‘Asthma’. I started developing symptoms in the evening like coughing and sneezing continuously. But did not take it seriously. After the mission we hogged into the hot maggi, dadi made for us as a reward.

 That was the first time I got asthama in Pune. My symptoms became severe and started choking me when I was taking bath. I could not remember the medicine’s name I used to take. I went downstairs and drank warm water.

I made my bed and saw my pandu friends sleeping so peacefully after a tiresome day. I also tried to sleep but my asthma darling didn’t have any intention to leave me in peace. I did not want to wake pandus up, as I knew they all were tired. But my whole body got into an epileptic act and I lost my breath completely. I could hear asthma buddy blowing its whistle on my windpipe. My poor lungs were struggling and my eyes popped out with tears.. Ooops my body is getting cold.. oh yeah.. I cannot wait any more.. my capacity to hold breath is over.  

“Panduuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu”. I tried but only air came out. Budhu got up, Disney, then Pandu, Mullu even poor Babes ran to me. I could not talk properly.. Our master brain Pandu understood my plight. She woke up dadi and helped me to make a call to family doctor. He gave me so many instructions and suggested to take inhaler if possible. Pandu called up her dad, who is a veteran in asthma. He told me to drink hot milk with turmeric powder in it. Budhu and Disney started massaging my back till I cried of pain; Mullu and Babes went down to boil milk for me. Pandu was not allowing me to move also, as she made to stick up with the instructions given. “Don’t put your neck down, breath from mouth, don’t sit next to her as you wont get Oxygen” She was going on and on. They made me drink half a litre tamarind milk that too hot.  After half an hour, I felt better.. I started breathing normally. My chest pain also reduced. (What magic they did I don’t know)

I told them to go and sleep that I felt better. But I remember none of them went to their bed. That whole night they were beside me chatting. It was morning 6 o’clock, all pandus were off to sleep ... Babes came near me without waking up others asked me “are you ok?” I said “yeah” I saw her getting ready for office. She had not slept a bit even in the morning. I looked at others sleeping.. ( I am the luckiest person in the world  with so many loving friends.. They are more than friends to me) 

*******************

I was upset that day thinking that I got asthma attack again. I called up my doctor. He reminded me of my allergy to dust and smoke. “Usually I have to take one- two shots of inhaler. But this time I did not have to. I asked him the reason. “What makes asthama worse is the panic you develop with the attack. If you are stressed out, you are even more vulnerable” he said.  But my pandu friends made the situation easy and I was not stressed out, and yeah without medication my asthama was brought down on knees by pandus, the exceptionally smartooos!

The Nutritious Delicious Something

You might have got a titbit of aunt’s food from my previous posts. This post features a lot more about her delicious nutritious stuff.

I went to her place for the first time in my life to have dinner. I was given a warm welcome. She asked my whereabouts including my caste, creed, genus, and DNA structure. (Perhaps, she thought of preparing something exceptionally good that suits to my taste and physical attributes. How sweet!!)

I was given a platter full of boiled rice (in pandu language motta rice) and n’ number of supplements including daal, dahi khadi, carrot and beans, paapad, mango pickle, dahi, tiyal, mashed potato and karela (bitter gourd) fries.  She was ready to provide chapati as well.

I was delighted with her tiyal and the hospitality. I thought for a moment how lucky Iam to be there to have food. All pandus including Tushi, Mullu and Pandu were there. I noticed them staring at my delight with an imaginary question mark popping above their heads.  On the way to home, I started praising about the food. Everybody was silent and did not pass a comment. When we reached dadi castle Tushi frowned at me and said “shut the **** up and first day babba, wait”

We all reached upstairs. All pandus surrounded me and asked in chorus “You have never had food before coming to this place?” Pandu added “I think her taste buds are weak, will be alright in a week’s time”. 

I defended, “ The tiyal was really good”

Pandu  “That’s the only thing she knows to cook properly”

Mullu “Tiyal was a day’s old. Yesterday that tasted even better”

I was feeling bit awkward but said, “That’s ok, but how many dishes were there? Usually a mess does not provide many of them”

Mullu said, “Daal and dahi are everyday’s special”

Pandu added, “Mashed potato had been prepared in the morning for chapati”

Tushi poured oil in the flame “Karela fries and dahi khadi are two days’ old”

Pandu consoled me “Hi buddy, Paapad is specially ‘prepared’ for you”

That was perfect! They all started laughing when I sat as a loser. I could not control my irritation “Carrot and beans was fresh and that was good”. Pandu made an accent with attitude, “Chill maadi”

*********************

Next day morning she had kept chapati and tomato onion mix subzi for me… specially for me.

Food aunt with pride said “I know Momya, you are a veggie and I have prepared egg curry for others and this special curry only for you”. I felt so good and ate that with so much satisfaction.  Meanwhile she was talking about some stupid girls but I was too busy with food and missed out some parts of information in the beginning.

“These girls are really bad (which girls by the way?). They roam around with boys every weekend. They don’t like home food. They don’t know the value of the nutritious delicious food what I cook.  You know what efforts I put to prepare all these as per each one’s taste. Yet they show so much nakras (I didn’t understand the meaning). I get up early in the morning at 4 a. m, boil milk and start cooking.  No one is there to help me. Hamara uncle has to go, hamara jithu has to go and then hamara rashmi has to go… You know I won’t eat anything till all the girls come and have food. You know Pandu did not eat breakfast yesterday and all the chapatis I made went under the drain. (ok, so you are talking about those girls whom Im staying with…..are they really bad?? But I don’t find them bad. Whatever!!) I finished my breakfast and tried to wash my plate. She stopped me saying “ Keep the dish there, my bai will come and wash it”. I said “ok”. She has not stopped her description “I’m very particular about neatness. I again wash all the dishes after bai leaves” I said “bye aunt, im leaving”

I heard her screaming from backyard “Elephanto, close the door when you go. I am going to brush my teeth”. I wondered “Was she talking to me all the time without brushing??, She cooked and tasted all these without brushing?? She is "very" particular about neatness man!!”

*********************

In the evening I reached home and proudly said to all pandus (yes i hid some facts)  “hi gals, food aunt is really sweet. She prepared that tomato curry only for me, as she had cooked non veg for others”. Pandu replied, “She said the same to me also”. I got surprised.

Tushi patted on my shoulders and said “Elephanto, that was not specially made for you, she gave you the gravy without egg” They all burst into laughter. I was dumbstruck “ohmy.... aunt's food... MY FOOT”

Encounters (Part VI) Mr. Attitude

Despite of that hectic rain and tiresome traffic, Teddy and I rushed to the railway station. I thought I would miss my train but for heaven’s sake we reached in time. My B1- 31 lower berth made me a bit unhappy. The thought of insecurity was popping out of my brain. I troubled Teddy to do his “negotiation” with TTR to shift me to upper berth.
*************
With his white pants and shirt and a black blazer on it, the TTR resembled a penguin roaming with specs and notebook. We submitted our grievance to the TTR almighty. Keeping the standard arrogance of a public servant in voice, he told us to ask those who are coming in.
We waited for those people who are coming to share the compartment with me. Our eyes were busy looking for “those people” among the crowd. I had a secret prayer that “those people” should be a family.
**************
A man in black with specs got in with some luggage. Teddy asked him politely with all his managerial skills “See, my friend is travelling alone. But unfortunately she has got lower berth. Can you pls adjust down and give her the upper berth?”
The man in black responded, “No”. I looked at Teddy annoyed. Teddy winked at me to keep quiet. He again pleaded, “Only this night you have to adjust and you know, it would be difficult for a girl to sleep down safely”. The man in black replied “Sorry”. This time I lost my control, I said, “See man, I am a girl traveling all alone, can’t you adjust for one night?” The man in black coldly with full attitude said “Even we have ladies with us”. Then I saw his entire family, a girl (probably his sister), aunt (his mom), a tall uncle (for sure his dad), short uncle (can be another co passenger) and an old lady (grandma) getting in. Seeing his dad I elbowed Teddy. Teddy got alert! He asked that tall uncle “Sir, she is traveling alone, can you give her upper berth?”  ofcourse, I added a little sentiments, “It would be difficult for grandma to climb up, so I can shift to upper berth and she can sleep on mine” Uncle smiled at our confusion or what I don’t know. He said “ok..not a problem”. I just threw my bag on the upper berth and we both ran out before he could change his decision. Teddy bought a bottle of water for me and bid a bye with instructions given below

1. Don’t eat or drink from strangers (I ate only sweets and drank Pepsi from others)
2. Don’t come and stand near the door (I spent only 5 hours there)
3. Don’t get down unless it is necessary (no, I didn’t do that)
4. Don’t talk too much (Talking who?? me?? I know only the people who travelled in my compartment and the other two compartments adjacent to mine)
5. Don’t reveal any information about you to anyone (No, I just gave my address and phone number)
6. Don’t get your mobile battery discharged listening songs (It got discharged. Not my fault)
7. That boy looks good. Don’t flirt with him (This one was the funniest. Well, I did)

*******************
I returned to the compartment. I looked at everyone. Only Tall uncle smiled. I looked at the Man in black with a little irritation in my mind. He was looking like a bit of mentally retarded with his three-fourth and T-shirt. The frame of his specs was purple in colour (isn’t it girlish?). He had got short spikes. (What a combo?  a geek in yo yo style?? He was listening to songs with a ‘care- a-damn’ attitude. Whatever.. i pretend im not bothered.

The girl (sister) was sitting next to him. She was fiddling with her UNO cards but seemed a little gloomy. I tried talking to her.. no way.. She cared a shit!. I went up and slept…
***************
The next day morning! There was nothing special. I was totally into my books. I finished one and took another “Agatha Christie’s ‘A murder is announced’. Oh my god I stopped it in the beginning itself. It was so boring. I got down and sat there for a while. Short uncle started talking to me. He asked my whereabouts and I found it interesting to talk to him. After sometime, with aunt (his mom) also I got into a conversation. Pointing Mr. Attitude, she started “ He doesn’t like home food much. He fools around with his friends all over Pune. He comes to Camp (where my office was) also. He is doing his final year engineering” and she went on and on. I could see Mr. Attitude getting a little uneasy about it. He walked off! I don’t know why but I was not mad at him anymore. Was just checking out what he was doing. He was like a fish out of water. So restless! He kept going out and coming back. And once he stood right in front of his grandma. He was such a giant in front of that poor old lady. She screamed, “You go from here, I’m sacred when you come near me as you may hurt me”. I giggled. Suddenly he turned to me and I looked out of my window controlling my amusement. He was so offended and he said, “I’m not doing anything. I’m just standing here”
******************

Afternoon: I got along with all of them except Mr. Attitude. I got two more kidos from the other compartment and we started playing UNO. Some of us are not quite familiar with the game. One kido got so irritated when he lost the game and Mr. Attitude reached for his help. Kido started winning all the games with Mr. Attitude. After sometime kido left and we exchanged our plac as Mr. Attitude came to my place and I went to where he was sitting. He played satisfactorily but could not accomplish first place later on. He started cursing my place. I got to know more about the game and started playing well. Bloody hell, he was always a challenge for me. Even if he finished with his cards, he would accurately guess and say it loud which card was there in my hands to help others. I felt like kicking him.

******************
Night: Slowly we started talking, teasing and betting. I had dinner with his family (he paid for it). I could not see a tinge of attitude in him that time or ever since. He even made that kido call me “Mandi” which means fool in Malayalam. I named him pandu, the copyrighted name for those who are unique.

We made our bunk- bed to sleep but could not find our blankets. He went to the assistant and got only five blankets. (Pig he did not get one for me) but offered me his (tried to impress??) I refused it because I didn't have any intention to sleep. I got down and started my notangi. I tried to record Short uncle snoring on my mobile. That was fun. But this pandu spoilt it. He was not sleeping. He asked me “what the hell are you doing?” I winked at him. He smiled and asked “you are not sleeping?” I said “no”. “Go and sleep now, you have to get up in the morning” he forced. I got on my bed and tried to sleep… but my phone rang on top of its voice “I’m in your lower left jacket pocket…..” it was him.. I looked at him puzzled.

I had not called Teddy since there was no coverage. I called him up and reminded him to wake me up. By the time I hung up, this pandu was not there. I stepped down and got to see him at the door.
I can say our friendship started there.. We talked till I got down at Thrissur. It's easier to say what we haven't talked that night.. our subjects were more of childhood, relationship, friends, parents and future .. we chatted as if we were some lost friends met after 50 years. I missed him on the way from station to home. Didn’t expect that I would meet this Goodnight pandu ever in my life again!
Thanks to Purna Express B1-31 Lower Berth